319 PC, Longheat —
There is a tendency in me to view things in extremes. To say that night is black and day is white and to overlook all the possible variations as seasons change, colors shift and celestial events transpire. I wonder whether this desire to simplify down to the barest root of a matter stems from emotional overwhelm, or from some other need for a simpler way to view the world. When too many angles and points of view are presented, they begin to confuse me. The grayscale of human morality and the muddled convictions by which they lead their lives contradict some innate desire for order in me, and at times the inability to place them into categories, the way I might organise a bookshelf, become a source of endless frustration.
At its worst, this tendency blinds me to opportunities and brings out a rigid need for control that lead me down a path of toxic and abusive tendencies that I fiercely detest. If there is any good to find in the same tendency... it might be a penchant for organization, if tempered by an acceptance that an element of chaos will always be present in all things, from people and their actions to all aspects of their creations. That we are all individuals with free will and differing experiences could be an endless source of hope and inspiration, if I learned to soften in my tolerance for these variables.
As I look back on my life and the times when I have felt the most restless, lost and confused, a pattern emerges. At each point I have received similar advice, to relinquish my desire for control, to follow the flow of e vents and allow them to happen. That I continually resisted these wisdoms suggest a lack of trust in myself and my ability to navigate an ever changing world, as well as a deeply rooted fear of losing agency. I have long been unable to comprehend that allowing things to happen to me is not the same as not choosing my own path. Perhaps it is a misconception stemming from my long periods of illness during childhood, when I truly was robbed of choices. As these periods came and went without my permission or ability to control, I learned the taste of helplessness and grew to detest it. And once my health improved, I unconsciously resisted anything that even resembled that same helplessness, to the point where even listening to advice that went contrary to my desires became an attempt to hold me down, or put me back in a state where my will did not matter.
Like this, the idea of 'going with the flow' became a call to give up agency, to relinquish the ability to choose my own path – when now, I am beginning to understand that my truest choice and agency lie in how I respond to the events that occur around me, and that this approach of allowing things to happen simply means accepting that I can only control myself. Anything else is a fallacy, an illusion; the world is not mine to order and other people are not mine to command, and all the things I claim as possessions - houses, clothes, weapons, gifts, treasures - are but transient things that will one day break, become lost and cease to fulfill their function.
Perhaps it is the same for concepts, values and moral constructs...
I find this insight difficult to accept. Even as the light of comprehension fills me, another part of my mind is screaming in denial and continually cling to the notion of values as a map that charts identity. As though my existence is not simply comprised of the cumulative experiences I have lived through, but also the conclusions I've drawn from the same experiences. Is that my rigid view of things as either light or dark, good or bad rearing its head again? Perhaps I will benefit from releasing the urge to label experiences as good or bad, and learn to appreciate nuances. To embrace that discomfort not necessarily equal something negative or threatening, but present an opportunity to learn, and grow. In the way that physical exercise pushes the body into discomfort before strength can be achieved, so I need to train my mind. By making myself uncomfortable, and in so doing increase my ability to be flexible, resilient and confident, I move away from the fear-based and narrow perception of the world around me that has ruled me for the majority of my life, towards a softer, kinder self that is closer to the person I desire to be.
What makes me uncomfortable?
I will challenge myself to engage in situations where I risk facing these discomforts. I will accept any emotions that arise from placing myself outside my comfort zone and treat myself with kindness and understanding regardless of the outcome. I will embrace the discovery of values that still serve me, and relinquish my hold on all that hold me back from growth.
Remember – the only way out is through.
There is a tendency in me to view things in extremes. To say that night is black and day is white and to overlook all the possible variations as seasons change, colors shift and celestial events transpire. I wonder whether this desire to simplify down to the barest root of a matter stems from emotional overwhelm, or from some other need for a simpler way to view the world. When too many angles and points of view are presented, they begin to confuse me. The grayscale of human morality and the muddled convictions by which they lead their lives contradict some innate desire for order in me, and at times the inability to place them into categories, the way I might organise a bookshelf, become a source of endless frustration.
At its worst, this tendency blinds me to opportunities and brings out a rigid need for control that lead me down a path of toxic and abusive tendencies that I fiercely detest. If there is any good to find in the same tendency... it might be a penchant for organization, if tempered by an acceptance that an element of chaos will always be present in all things, from people and their actions to all aspects of their creations. That we are all individuals with free will and differing experiences could be an endless source of hope and inspiration, if I learned to soften in my tolerance for these variables.
As I look back on my life and the times when I have felt the most restless, lost and confused, a pattern emerges. At each point I have received similar advice, to relinquish my desire for control, to follow the flow of e vents and allow them to happen. That I continually resisted these wisdoms suggest a lack of trust in myself and my ability to navigate an ever changing world, as well as a deeply rooted fear of losing agency. I have long been unable to comprehend that allowing things to happen to me is not the same as not choosing my own path. Perhaps it is a misconception stemming from my long periods of illness during childhood, when I truly was robbed of choices. As these periods came and went without my permission or ability to control, I learned the taste of helplessness and grew to detest it. And once my health improved, I unconsciously resisted anything that even resembled that same helplessness, to the point where even listening to advice that went contrary to my desires became an attempt to hold me down, or put me back in a state where my will did not matter.
Like this, the idea of 'going with the flow' became a call to give up agency, to relinquish the ability to choose my own path – when now, I am beginning to understand that my truest choice and agency lie in how I respond to the events that occur around me, and that this approach of allowing things to happen simply means accepting that I can only control myself. Anything else is a fallacy, an illusion; the world is not mine to order and other people are not mine to command, and all the things I claim as possessions - houses, clothes, weapons, gifts, treasures - are but transient things that will one day break, become lost and cease to fulfill their function.
Perhaps it is the same for concepts, values and moral constructs...
I find this insight difficult to accept. Even as the light of comprehension fills me, another part of my mind is screaming in denial and continually cling to the notion of values as a map that charts identity. As though my existence is not simply comprised of the cumulative experiences I have lived through, but also the conclusions I've drawn from the same experiences. Is that my rigid view of things as either light or dark, good or bad rearing its head again? Perhaps I will benefit from releasing the urge to label experiences as good or bad, and learn to appreciate nuances. To embrace that discomfort not necessarily equal something negative or threatening, but present an opportunity to learn, and grow. In the way that physical exercise pushes the body into discomfort before strength can be achieved, so I need to train my mind. By making myself uncomfortable, and in so doing increase my ability to be flexible, resilient and confident, I move away from the fear-based and narrow perception of the world around me that has ruled me for the majority of my life, towards a softer, kinder self that is closer to the person I desire to be.
What makes me uncomfortable?
- Disagreement
- Unresolved conflict
- Attention, specifically sexual attention towards my body
- Indecision
- Inactivity
- Self-indulgence
- Egotism. } are these the same?
- Ignorance
- Disapproval
- Any situation that diminish my ability to affect the outcome
I will challenge myself to engage in situations where I risk facing these discomforts. I will accept any emotions that arise from placing myself outside my comfort zone and treat myself with kindness and understanding regardless of the outcome. I will embrace the discovery of values that still serve me, and relinquish my hold on all that hold me back from growth.
Remember – the only way out is through.
