319 PC, Longheat –
I have become a person I don't like. Everyone has insecurities and fears, but at some point after my death I began to let mine control me. Looking back on the way I have acted over the past two years show with startling clarity that I have become trapped in a victim-like narrative of my own making, where I avoid facing my fears and emotions and project an image of who I would like to be that is shallow and false.
I want to be open minded. Kind. Generous. Forgiving. Confident. Responsible and self-aware. I want to be calm under pressure, accepting of flaws and mistakes, and willing to learn and grow into a truer version of myself.
What do I fear?
Being abandoned. Being persecuted. Being alone. I fear being forgotten, trapped and robbed of choice. I am afraid of becoming apathetic to people around me, and I am afraid of being hurt by loss, both from heartbreak and death. Ie, I fear pain.
By not facing these things I have begun to project my fears onto other people, acting in the very same way I fear being treated by others, and in doing so I have caused physical and emotional harm to those around me. My thinking has become narrow and rigid. I have become judgemental. I have not been receptive to the feedback from people around me and have repeatedly rejected opportunities to grow and learn from my mistakes. I have not taken accountability for my actions in a meaningful way, and I have not put in action any of my promises to change for the better.
That ends now. From this day henceforth I will change course and take action to work on these flaws. I will forgive myself for being afraid, because that is a normal and human thing to feel, and I will act to take back the control over myself, my emotions and my actions.
I have become a person I don't like. Everyone has insecurities and fears, but at some point after my death I began to let mine control me. Looking back on the way I have acted over the past two years show with startling clarity that I have become trapped in a victim-like narrative of my own making, where I avoid facing my fears and emotions and project an image of who I would like to be that is shallow and false.
I want to be open minded. Kind. Generous. Forgiving. Confident. Responsible and self-aware. I want to be calm under pressure, accepting of flaws and mistakes, and willing to learn and grow into a truer version of myself.
What do I fear?
Being abandoned. Being persecuted. Being alone. I fear being forgotten, trapped and robbed of choice. I am afraid of becoming apathetic to people around me, and I am afraid of being hurt by loss, both from heartbreak and death. Ie, I fear pain.
By not facing these things I have begun to project my fears onto other people, acting in the very same way I fear being treated by others, and in doing so I have caused physical and emotional harm to those around me. My thinking has become narrow and rigid. I have become judgemental. I have not been receptive to the feedback from people around me and have repeatedly rejected opportunities to grow and learn from my mistakes. I have not taken accountability for my actions in a meaningful way, and I have not put in action any of my promises to change for the better.
That ends now. From this day henceforth I will change course and take action to work on these flaws. I will forgive myself for being afraid, because that is a normal and human thing to feel, and I will act to take back the control over myself, my emotions and my actions.
- I will examine my beliefs for fallacy and bias, and question myself before speaking.
- I will treat other people with kindness, tolerance and respect, the same way I wish to be treated.
- I will face my fears and challenge the beliefs they have forged around my identity, abilities and worth.
- I will adapt my habits towards a lifestyle that is mentally and physically sound.
- I will keep working with Elizabeth to create new methods for emotional regulation and learn how to face difficult situations with calm and grace.
- I will apologise for the harm I have done to others and, to the extent that they are willing, strive to make amends and repair what has been broken.
- I will speak to and of myself with the voice I would use towards a friend, because I am worthy of the same kindness and respect I extend onto others.
- I will strive to remember that perfection is not a virtue and that it is neither my responsibility or right to change the world, other people or myself towards that end.
- I will set aside values such as good and bad and explore myself to find the limits of my own comfort, and remain open to challenging those boundaries once I have found them.
All of these things I promise to strive for, with patience in myself and forgiveness for the setbacks that will come. I promise to keep going no matter how difficult it feels - because this is the only way I can face myself with pride and respect.
Remember - the only way out is through.
