Jude
Do you love me like that?
If I keep on driving
He hugs her tight and tries to close his eyes even tighter, as if he might burn away the sight of the scar crawling up the side of her neck. She’s warm in his arms, heated by the fire and the protection of being indoors. This, at least, is familiar. They fit the same way they always did. It might not be the right thing to do, but Jude is immediately grateful they both gave in. If I keep on driving
His exhale shakes, and he settles his forehead on her shoulder, trying to get ahold of himself. Jude has never been particularly good at hiding or controlling his feelings and now he’s being put to the ultimate test.
Pulling away is painful, but his parents’ words ring ceaselessly in his head. They have to do this right. They can’t make the same mistakes.
“Can we sit?” It’s barely a murmur, but he feels the need to ask where once he would have simply steered them to the couch. When they make it there, he sits beside her, hands clasped tight enough in his lap that his knuckles are pale. Whether to keep himself together or hold back from grabbing her hand he isn’t sure, but it accomplishes both. “I found my brother,” he starts abruptly, aware of the deja vu this might cause, the similar far-eyed reaction he’d had to finding his Maman present once again. This next part he has mulled over for days. Should he lie, as he had to Koa? The smallest lie for someone as uninvolved in the massacre as Jude, yes, but still a lie. The thing he’d needed time away from Sohalia for.
He trusts her. But she’s the Heart. Can he really assume she’d choose to keep his secret when it’s her duty to be judicious and fair? When it would involve lying to Koa not only as a friend, but as a Dragoon?
Jude doesn’t think she would choose him and his family over Koa. Not when her indecision had been the reason for their break.
So he lies.
“But we were attacked in the Oerwoud and - and I prayed, but it wasn’t much use, and Edmund he - he had to protect us.” Because regardless of the truth and whether Jude is comfortable with his brother’s motives or not, Jude will defend his brother to his dying breath. He will not smear his name. “He had to shift. And they wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t run. So he had to kill them.” Jude’s hands blanch further, shaking in his lap as his voice follows suit. “And I had to watch.” Silent, vapid tears drip down his cheeks, but he can’t stop here. He has to get it all out before she interjects. And part of him bitterly wants to prove that where she had hidden away something so traumatic, Jude would force his ribcage open to show her every gory detail.
“But I couldn’t just leave them there so I - I reported it to Koa. And between that and getting my brother home…it was so long.” Turning slightly, he grimaces through his tear stained expression. “I’m sorry. But I had to.” It’s his family. He couldn’t just walk away.
Would you hold me when we crash?
Or would you let me go?
Or would you let me go?
