To kiss in cars and downtown bars
Was all we needed
Was all we needed
I think - I think I've made a huge mistake, Soh admitted, her voice quiet and small, warbling in the way that voices do when one is about to cry. Even though she couldn't technically cry as an owl, that didn't stop her internal voice from breaking as she considered her situation and all she'd done and said. I know I didn't handle things well, as far as sharing my feelings went, she admitted. I thought I was doing what was right at the time. My understanding was that Jude felt like I was hiding things from him since I hadn't told him about - about being attacked. But it wasn't like I was hiding it, it just never came up, and, I mean, how do you just... bring that up in conversation?
But she was getting off track. Anyway, then he asked if I was hiding anything else, and I didn't want to lie, so... She gave a mental shrug. But the timing... I definitely understand why Jude was upset with me. I think, at the time I was just so upset that he was upset, and everything just... I feel like it all spiraled out of control. Her internal voice was still choked and weak, but at least she was managing to get everything out. She hated to burden Harper with this, but she had to admit that it was nice to get a seemingly impartial perspective. So along with all her tumultuous feelings, Harper would feel a sudden rush of affection and gratefulness.
As for polyamory... well, her recent conversations regarding it hadn't really gone well, and she was hesitant to get into all of her confusion and guilt and shame - but then, Harper was probably already aware that she was feeling those things, so what the hell? I think... I think I thought I wanted polyamory as an option without thinking about how it would affect Jude or Koa, she admitted. I know we agreed to be monogamous, but I guess I thought that the option was still there, if we were both in agreement. So I thought, being honest would maybe lead to a conversation about whether or not we wanted to reconsider. I didn't mean it to be a one-sided thing, but I know that's how it came across.
And then, since then, I've done a lot of thinking about it, and I think - I think I was wrong. I did have lingering feelings for Koa, but I think it was wrong of me to ask for or imply that I would be interested in acting on it... for a variety of reasons. One of which being that if I had to choose between the two of them, I would always choose Jude. In a truly polyamorous relationship, wouldn't that be impossible? Because everyone should be on equal ground? In this, she was looking for confirmation or a correction; she was so new to relationships, much less polyamory, and she knew there was so much she didn't know.
She'd never had an example of a healthy relationship to refer back to; her parents had died when she was too young to remember, and Auden had been aromantic and asexual, so there had only ever been friendships to view there. Sometimes it felt like she was reading a book from which every other page was missing. There's so much that I don't know, and I feel like this was such a huge mistake, and even if we can get through it - what if I keep making mistakes? What if I just keep hurting people I care about? I don't know what to do to fix this, but I miss Jude so much.
But she was getting off track. Anyway, then he asked if I was hiding anything else, and I didn't want to lie, so... She gave a mental shrug. But the timing... I definitely understand why Jude was upset with me. I think, at the time I was just so upset that he was upset, and everything just... I feel like it all spiraled out of control. Her internal voice was still choked and weak, but at least she was managing to get everything out. She hated to burden Harper with this, but she had to admit that it was nice to get a seemingly impartial perspective. So along with all her tumultuous feelings, Harper would feel a sudden rush of affection and gratefulness.
As for polyamory... well, her recent conversations regarding it hadn't really gone well, and she was hesitant to get into all of her confusion and guilt and shame - but then, Harper was probably already aware that she was feeling those things, so what the hell? I think... I think I thought I wanted polyamory as an option without thinking about how it would affect Jude or Koa, she admitted. I know we agreed to be monogamous, but I guess I thought that the option was still there, if we were both in agreement. So I thought, being honest would maybe lead to a conversation about whether or not we wanted to reconsider. I didn't mean it to be a one-sided thing, but I know that's how it came across.
And then, since then, I've done a lot of thinking about it, and I think - I think I was wrong. I did have lingering feelings for Koa, but I think it was wrong of me to ask for or imply that I would be interested in acting on it... for a variety of reasons. One of which being that if I had to choose between the two of them, I would always choose Jude. In a truly polyamorous relationship, wouldn't that be impossible? Because everyone should be on equal ground? In this, she was looking for confirmation or a correction; she was so new to relationships, much less polyamory, and she knew there was so much she didn't know.
She'd never had an example of a healthy relationship to refer back to; her parents had died when she was too young to remember, and Auden had been aromantic and asexual, so there had only ever been friendships to view there. Sometimes it felt like she was reading a book from which every other page was missing. There's so much that I don't know, and I feel like this was such a huge mistake, and even if we can get through it - what if I keep making mistakes? What if I just keep hurting people I care about? I don't know what to do to fix this, but I miss Jude so much.
You drew stars around my scars
But now I'm bleedin'
But now I'm bleedin'
Sohalia
Minor powerplay allowed without permission.
Feel free to use force/magic on Sohalia.
Feel free to use force/magic on Sohalia.
