open hearts

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

"Don't apologize," she whispered. "You did nothing wrong." The saddest part was that this wasn't even the first time today she'd felt this way. The thought had her reeling - maybe she wasn't the person she'd always thought she was, cheerful and friendly and giving. Maybe she really was just selfish and cowardly, hiding behind a mask of good intentions. Who did she think she was, to have feelings for two people? Was she really not content with just one? Was something wrong with her? Was she broken?

She listened in rapt silence as he explained, as his emotions tumbled out and washed over her. In some ways, it was almost a relief to have them all out on the table; if she could see them, she could fix them, or so she had to hope. But in other ways, it was devastating. She was the cause of this, of his pain and his second-guessing himself and his anxiety - and so, too, was she the cause of Koa's pain. She'd always striven to be the light in the world, but at this moment, it seemed that she brought only darkness. It was enough to shatter her into a million pieces, but she knew that right now, she couldn't give in to that sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. Right now, she had to be strong. She had to take whatever it was that Jude had to dish out. She owed him that.

"Jude..." she whispered, longing to reach for him, to pull him into her arms where he could feel as safe and loved as he always made her feel. But she wasn't sure whether he wanted to be touched, whether he wanted to be hugged, whether he wanted to flee from her and never see her again (okay, Soh, calm down). "I won't ever change my mind about you," she said. "You're... you're the only person I can't imagine life without." And it was true. She liked Koa, and she missed what they'd had, but it was an ache that she knew would one day fade if something were to happen, or if she couldn't pursue him, or if he didn't return her affections. But Jude?

"I feel like - like you're a part of me that I never knew was missing until I found you. Remember when we met?" She gave a soft chuckle, remembering. "You got me to open up about things I never even thought about before. You always know what to say or do to make me feel safe or loved or happy. You're handsome, and you're smart, and you're kind. And honestly? I don't deserve you." She swallowed hard, forcing herself to look him in the eyes. "Maybe that's why I'm always so afraid. You are worth so much more than me. You deserve so much more than me.

"It's true that I have feelings for Koa, but Jude - I love you. And if you want to it to just be us, forever, then I will happily make that happen, because there is no future I can see for myself without you in it."

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning