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Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Whatever she'd expected from his response, a complete breakdown somehow wasn't it. Perhaps she should have, given what she'd revealed, but this whole relationship thing is still so new to her - yes, she'd been with Jude for months, but months was such a short time in comparison to one's whole life without a partner, without even a couple to watch to form an idea of how to be. She only ever remembered being raised by Auden, alone, and they led fairly solitary lives. Perhaps she'd be a better parental figure than she was a partner - but at this rate, she was never going to find out.

What a strange thought to have during the middle of a - what was this? A fight? It sure felt like a fight.

"I know, but I -" How was she supposed to explain that everyone she'd ever loved had died? That losing people was such a deeply ingrained part of her psyche that she couldn't help but feel like he'd leave her, one way or another, and she'd be left heartbroken once more? Except that it would be so much worse, because she loved him so much more than she could remember having loved another person, like a part of her heart beat in his chest? "I'm sorry," was all she could say, and now she was crying, because she had hurt him even more, and it seemed like no matter what she tried to do, it wasn't right. "I - I can't help being afraid," she said through her tears. "You're all I have." And it was the truth. She didn't have parents. She didn't have her guardian. He was all that she had to rely on, she just didn't know how to make him see that.

But all of that seemed to pale when Koa came into the picture, for Jude devolved even more, releasing her hand to rake his own through his hair as Soh watched helplessly. "No!" she said forcefully. "I want to be with you!" And Koa, an unhelpful voice in her head whispered. She shoved it aside.

"We did only go on two dates, I promise! Then I didn't see him for weeks, and I broke things off with him as soon as I saw him, like I told you. And then I didn't see him again until - let's see - I technically saw him at the event I hosted in Torchline to announce that Abandoned would be allowed in Stormbreak soon, but we didn't even speak there, and then this morning was the first that I saw him alone," she explained, trying to dredge up every detail in an effort to reassure Jude that she hadn't hidden any infidelity. Nothing happened between us since I broke things off, I swear. There was no flirting. I would never do that to you," she told him vehemently. "Never."

She watched him, longing to take him in her arms but unsure if he'd let her, and unsure if she could handle the sting of that rejection just now. "When we talked about things before, I said I'd never thought about polyamory," she said softly. "And at the time, that was true. I hadn't thought about it, and I just wanted you. But I just - realized this morning that the feelings I had for Koa are still there, too, and I - I don't know. I never want to lose you. I don't want to be with him instead of you. And I'll always choose you. But you asked, and I don't want to hide anything from you. I don't want secrets. I just - I just want -"

What did she want? She didn't really know. She barely knew how to navigate a normal relationship, much less explore the possibility of one with three people. And she certainly didn't know if it was even possible, if it was even worth a conversation, if Koa would even entertain the notion, assuming that Jude was willing.

But that was all getting ahead of herself. Way ahead of herself.

Her hand went to her nose. "I'm pretty sure it was an accident," she said defensively. "And it's not like I didn't deserve it. I did headbutt him right before. I think he just reacted. It was just a spar. "

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning