Maea's Journal

319 PC, Longheat –

I have become a person I don't like. Everyone has insecurities and fears, but at some point after my death I began to let mine control me. Looking back on the way I have acted over the past two years show with startling clarity that I have become trapped in a victim-like narrative of my own making, where I avoid facing my fears and emotions and project an image of who I would like to be that is shallow and false.

I want to be open minded. Kind. Generous. Forgiving. Confident. Responsible and self-aware. I want to be calm under pressure, accepting of flaws and mistakes, and willing to learn and grow into a truer version of myself.

What do I fear?
Being abandoned. Being persecuted. Being alone. I fear being forgotten, trapped and robbed of choice. I am afraid of becoming apathetic to people around me, and I am afraid of being hurt by loss, both from heartbreak and death. Ie, I fear pain.

By not facing these things I have begun to project my fears onto other people, acting in the very same way I fear being treated by others, and in doing so I have caused physical and emotional harm to those around me. My thinking has become narrow and rigid. I have become judgemental. I have not been receptive to the feedback from people around me and have repeatedly rejected opportunities to grow and learn from my mistakes. I have not taken accountability for my actions in a meaningful way, and I have not put in action any of my promises to change for the better.

That ends now. From this day henceforth I will change course and take action to work on these flaws. I will forgive myself for being afraid, because that is a normal and human thing to feel, and I will act to take back the control over myself, my emotions and my actions. 

• I will examine my beliefs for fallacy and bias, and question myself before speaking.
  
• I will treat other people with kindness, tolerance and respect, the same way I wish to be treated.
  
• I will face my fears and challenge the beliefs they have forged around my identity, abilities and worth.
  
• I will adapt my habits towards a lifestyle that is mentally and physically sound.
  
• I will keep working with Elizabeth to create new methods for emotional regulation and learn how to face difficult situations with calm and grace.
  
• I will apologise for the harm I have done to others and, to the extent that they are willing, strive to make amends and repair what has been broken.
  
• I will speak to and of myself with the voice I would use towards a friend, because I am worthy of the same kindness and respect I extend onto others.
  
• I will strive to remember that perfection is not a virtue and that it is neither my responsibility or right to change the world, other people or myself towards that end.
  
• I will set aside values such as good and bad and explore myself to find the limits of my own comfort, and remain open to challenging those boundaries once I have found them.
  
  All of these things I promise to strive for, with patience in myself and forgiveness for the setbacks that will come. I promise to keep going no matter how difficult it feels - because this is the only way I can face myself with pride and respect.
  
  Remember - the only way out is through.

319 PC, Longheat —


There is a tendency in me to view things in extremes. To say that night is black and day is white and to overlook all the possible variations as seasons change, colors shift and celestial events transpire. I wonder whether this desire to simplify down to the barest root of a matter stems from emotional overwhelm, or from some other need for a simpler way to view the world. When too many angles and points of view are presented, they begin to confuse me. The grayscale of human morality and the muddled convictions by which they lead their lives contradict some innate desire for order in me, and at times the inability to place them into categories, the way I might organise a bookshelf, become a source of endless frustration.

At its worst, this tendency blinds me to opportunities and brings out a rigid need for control that lead me down a path of toxic and abusive tendencies that I fiercely detest. If there is any good to find in the same tendency... it might be a penchant for organization, if tempered by an acceptance that an element of chaos will always be present in all things, from people and their actions to all aspects of their creations. That we are all individuals with free will and differing experiences could be an endless source of hope and inspiration, if I learned to soften in my tolerance for these variables.

As I look back on my life and the times when I have felt the most restless, lost and confused, a pattern emerges. At each point I have received similar advice, to relinquish my desire for control, to follow the flow of e vents and allow them to happen. That I continually resisted these wisdoms suggest a lack of trust in myself and my ability to navigate an ever changing world, as well as a deeply rooted fear of losing agency. I have long been unable to comprehend that allowing things to happen to me is not the same as not choosing my own path. Perhaps it is a misconception stemming from my long periods of illness during childhood, when I truly was robbed of choices. As these periods came and went without my permission or ability to control, I learned the taste of helplessness and grew to detest it. And once my health improved, I unconsciously resisted anything that even resembled that same helplessness, to the point where even listening to advice that went contrary to my desires became an attempt to hold me down, or put me back in a state where my will did not matter.
Like this, the idea of 'going with the flow' became a call to give up agency, to relinquish the ability to choose my own path – when now, I am beginning to understand that my truest choice and agency lie in how I respond to the events that occur around me, and that this approach of allowing things to happen simply means accepting that I can only control myself. Anything else is a fallacy, an illusion; the world is not mine to order and other people are not mine to command, and all the things I claim as possessions - houses, clothes, weapons, gifts, treasures - are but transient things that will one day break, become lost and cease to fulfill their function.
Perhaps it is the same for concepts, values and moral constructs...

I find this insight difficult to accept. Even as the light of comprehension fills me, another part of my mind is screaming in denial and continually cling to the notion of values as a map that charts identity. As though my existence is not simply comprised of the cumulative experiences I have lived through, but also the conclusions I've drawn from the same experiences. Is that my rigid view of things as either light or dark, good or bad rearing its head again? Perhaps I will benefit from releasing the urge to label experiences as good or bad, and learn to appreciate nuances. To embrace that discomfort not necessarily equal something negative or threatening, but present an opportunity to learn, and grow. In the way that physical exercise pushes the body into discomfort before strength can be achieved, so I need to train my mind. By making myself uncomfortable, and in so doing increase my ability to be flexible, resilient and confident, I move away from the fear-based and narrow perception of the world around me that has ruled me for the majority of my life, towards a softer, kinder self that is closer to the person I desire to be.

What makes me uncomfortable?

• Disagreement
  
• Unresolved conflict
  
• Attention, specifically sexual attention towards my body
  
• Indecision
  
• Inactivity
  
• Self-indulgence
  
• Egotism.                }  are these the same?
  
• Ignorance
  
• Disapproval
  
• Any situation that diminish my ability to affect the outcome
  

I will challenge myself to engage in situations where I risk facing these discomforts. I will accept any emotions that arise from placing myself outside my comfort zone and treat myself with kindness and understanding regardless of the outcome. I will embrace the discovery of values that still serve me, and relinquish my hold on all that hold me back from growth.

Remember – the only way out is through.